When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
