A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
