Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You ate ashes out of my bong
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
