Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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