her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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