I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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