Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
