Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
