That's intense
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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