So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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