I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
