I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
