Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
