I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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