At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
