apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
