I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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