hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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