oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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