Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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