I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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