Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
