how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We are all done wearing pants today
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
