Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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