I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
