Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
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During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
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I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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