don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I need a burrito and a hug.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
