And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
