Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
