haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
They took my balls.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
