And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
