I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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