Will you blow on my dice?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have already put on my inside pants.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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