I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
