I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
