Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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