When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
