Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
