is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
