well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
