I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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