So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
