His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
