dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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