I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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