maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
