We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm passing your future prison.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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