so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
