Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
