Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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