girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
