dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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