he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
