if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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