I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
