Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
