i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
