Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
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Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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