Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
